Tips for living in Chicago Part 2

It is a lot more expensive to be here than Iowa.  You should have sold your car to afford it.

I went to a public school.  If you see a girl taking off her earring I suggest you walk the other way.

The lake is always east.  You don’t need Google maps to tell you that.

The city is on grid.  Some of the streets slope.  It’s not that hard.

Can’t understand the CTA?  There’s an app for that, and it’s time you learned.

Don’t stress about who to vote for.  They throw those ballots away. 

The Chicago accent is associated with white people from the southside (a rapidly assimilating population). Most of us don’t sound like that.

Northern Midwest English is the closet accent to newscaster standard.  We don’t sound funny, you sound funny.

Kanye may be from here, but he clearly forgot Midwest is Best.

Don’t say you’re from here if you’re not from here.  My parents have been here for 40 years and they still say they’re Indiana.

The cure for every Chicago Meme

Tips for living in Chicago

1.      You flew (drove) here, I grew here.

2.      If you’re from Wilmette don’t front like you’re from here.  Don’t be ashamed, represent.

3.      I can root for the Cubs and the White Sox.  They play in different leagues

4.      You cannot root for the Cubs and the Cardinals.  Do you support good or evil?

5.      It’s okay to end a sentence with a preposition if you’re from the Midwest.

6.      Even vegetarians know the correct the way to eat a hotdog.  DON’T PUT KETCHUP ON HOT DOG.

7.      I don’t care what parking is like in the suburbs, learn to parallel park.

8.      You don’t say the S in Illinois. Stay Classy. 

9.      If my governor threaten to defund Planned Parenthood he would be in jail.

10.   It is a lot more expensive to live here than Iowa.  You should have sold your car to afford it.

Stop trying to make stuff happen.

Stop trying to make stuff happen.

Stop trying to make ______. It’s not going to happen. 

1.      Russia (didn’t we win the cold war)?

2.      Weather (whatever happens I’m not going outside.)

3.      Twerking (it’s juking).

4.      Blurred Lines (rape culture may be catchy, but summer is over).

5.      Christmas (I cannot care until middecember)

6.      Getting engaged in 2013 (I will be the last single person so help me)

7.      Discover Card (I don’t want your card)

8.      Phone updates (my phone is fine, thank you)

9.      Shoulder pain (there is so much to reach for).

10.   This list (not much is trying to make itself happen)

Why I'm Single

I’m a terrible person

You’re no fun

Being in a relationship keeping me from having fun

This why we can’t have nice things

You breathe too loud

The problem with Summer.

1.      It’s soo hot.

2.      Everyone wants to go outside.

3.      But I have Allergies.

4.      And outside is so crowded.

5.      The air conditioning makes everything inside freezing.

6.      I don’t have air conditioning.

7.      Should I feel bad about wearing a bathing suit?

8.      There are still places where it’s not okay to wear flip-flops.

9.      All the summer foods are so sweet.

10.   I can only sleep when it’s dark out, and the days are so long.